Amy DeBellis

Dear Agony Aunt Abigail,

For a few weeks now my husband has been hollering “yeehaw” during sex, right at the point of climax. Seriously! We’ve been married twenty-one years and this is the first time anything like this has happened. Initially I thought it was just a tic, but I’m sorry to report that was only the beginning. Now he has begun to employ choice phrases throughout the whole act, such as “what in tarrrrrnation” and “git along little doggie.” He is also a fan of “ace in the hole” (I do not believe I have to explain that one to you) and refers to lube as “axle grease.” 

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I tried asking my best friend for advice, but when we met for coffee I noticed that she was wearing a cowboy hat and boots. And when I brought up the subject of my Old-West-obsessed husband, she began jangling her spurs—somewhat threateningly, I thought. I tried calling my brother, but he’s off building some ranch in Wyoming and doesn’t usually have service.

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Anyway, last night my husband brought a saddle and rope into the bedroom, and told me that he wants me to dress up as a cow. He even got a pair of horns for me to wear! He said the horns make him feel very … well, you know. 

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And just this morning, something else happened. I know I shouldn’t have been poking around, but in the back of his closet, I found what looks like the actual skin of a cow. Along with a box full of medical supplies. 

I am frightened.

Sincerely,

Bessie

Dear Bessie,

Seems to me that you already have a classic bovine name, so why not utilize it to the fullest?

Love, 

Agony Aunt Abigail. Yeehaw! 

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